Five Ways to Let Someone Know You’re Interested in Them Romantically
Want to get your crush’s attention and win them over? These five simple tips will take you from frozen orbit in the outer reaches of their universe to blasting into their guts like a rogue meteor in no time.
1. Be Up-Front And Just Tell Them
No one is going to do this. It’s a ridiculous notion. We all know that the best way to verbally tell someone you like them is to do it in your head when you’re fantasizing about the interaction hours later. If you truly want to succeed at winning someone’s affection, you need to put in the work. Keep reading.
2. Like Every Single One of Their Posts on Twitter and Instagram
But don’t be a creep about it; consciously pace your “liking” so that they don’t see eighteen notifications pop up on their phone at once. It’s best to like posts at the cadence of a tedious metronome—about the BPM of a smoke alarm with a dying battery. The notification should be a gentle reminder timed at the precise moment they forget about the last reminder. As an added bonus, scientific studies* have shown that this subconsciously lets your beau know that you’re consistent and reliable. Has it been exactly seven minutes already? Hey, it’s me. I’m still here. And I always will be.
3. Get Really Close to Their Parents
There’s nothing people love more than their mothers and fathers. Get to know them well, and casually slip into conversation one day that you’d really love to squish your genitals against their son or daughter’s respective junk. They will go to bat for you, and your crush will take their advice as if it were god’s own will. If I could pinpoint the single most important thing to me when I am shopping around for a potential partner, it’s whether or not my dad would want to fuck them.
4. Report Them to the IRS for Tax Fraud and Then Volunteer to Be Their Lawyer, Pro Bono
Pretty simple one here that you might have already thought of: just make up a crime, report it to the IRS (or FBI, or ATF) and then come to their rescue. Granted, it would take some serious premeditation if you plan to legally represent your crush in the court of law. But considering the charges here are made-up and should be thrown out of court anyway, you really don’t even need to go to Lawyer School; you can just lie about that part and print up a fake degree using a Photoshop template. They will be too worried about ending up in federal prison to notice small details.
5. Murder Their Entire Family
The absolute best way to get someone to notice you is to isolate them from everyone else they know. This is for a couple of reasons: Firstly, when they have sunk to the depths of what could fairly be considered the worst catastrophe a person could possibly experience, you can be there, ready to plow their brains out. Second, killing a bunch of people to win the love of your dream girl or guy is about the most alpha thing you could do.
*The study I linked to doesn’t have anything to do with this article, but did you read it? It’s a real report, in an actual scientific journal, from a study which found that if you attach a weighted stick to a chicken’s butt, it will walk like a dinosaur. Pretty cool, right?